I bow my head, close my eyes, and don’t know what to say.
I have plenty to pray about. I tend to without a global pandemic on my mind. So why are the words not coming?
Is it because my mind is constantly racing, thinking about what is still in my control? Meals, dishes, laundry, online school, paying bills, the list goes on.
Possibly I have others on my mind more. Who can I help and how can I help them? Does anyone need something I have extra of? Why haven’t I gotten cards written and in the mail? People are waiting on them.
Maybe I’m thinking too much about the political climate. I had no idea a virus could be so polarizing. I thought it would bring us together, not drive a deeper wedge between parties. I was wrong.
It could be because I can’t shut my brain off about people not taking this outbreak seriously. Or others taking it so seriously they’re comparing their social isolation to the struggles of Anne Frank. It’s not remotely the same.
I would normally lay all my ramblings at His feet, asking for quiet and calm for my weary heart and mind.
It’s different now.
I’m afraid if I do that, He’ll bring peace and it’s not fair for me to feel peace when others don’t have it. For me to be calm and focused when there are grocery store employees that wonder if simply bagging canned goods will be what kills them. When nurses are writing their wills…just in case. When society is being asked to choose between economic success and human life.
I don’t deserve answers. I never have.
Maybe that’s the lesson I’m learning. That I don’t get anything from God because I deserve it. He gives and withholds blessings and I’m to be grateful with my lot regardless because I chose to feel the joy and sadness, pleasure and pain. It’s okay to ask for the good because we agreed to the bad along with it.
Maybe I will ask for a little peace today, for myself and for the world.
